External Prostate Massage: The Magic Button You Never Knew You Had
Alright, fellas. Let’s talk about the thing no one wants to talk about—but everyone should. A prostate massage (the external type).
Now before you go clenching everything south of the equator, let me ease your mind. This isn’t about sticking anything up your butt. Not today. We’re keeping this strictly external. No spelunking. No finger puppets. Just some gentle, well-placed pressure on a magical little area known as the perineum—or as I like to call it, “The Button That Time Forgot.”
Let’s break it down like a sexy anatomy textbook—minus the student debt.
What Is the Prostate Anyway? And Why Does It Sound Like a Star Wars Droid?
First, some context. The prostate is a gland that hangs out just below the bladder, wrapped around the urethra like it’s trying to give it a warm little hug. Its main gig? Making the fluid that helps keep sperm safe, speedy, and ready to audition for fatherhood.
Problem is, this overachieving gland can be kind of a diva. It tends to swell up as you get older, like your uncle’s opinions at Thanksgiving. And when it does, it starts squeezing the urethra like it’s trying to juice it. That can make peeing feel like a low-pressure hose. Not fun.
That’s when it’s time to try the external prostate massage. Not just a fancy spa treatment for your undercarriage, but a legit method to help stimulate blood flow, reduce inflammation, and improve your general downstairs demeanor.
So… External? As in, “Keep Your Hands Where I Can See Them”?
Exactly. This isn’t a “bend over and think happy thoughts” kind of party. External prostate massage targets the perineum—the patch of real estate between your scrotum and your anus. It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of the body. Mysterious. Overlooked. Surprisingly powerful.
When you gently massage this area (or have someone else do it, you saucy minx), you’re basically sending a love letter to your prostate. And the gland replies, “Thanks, buddy,” by loosening up, reducing tension, and possibly giving your urinary flow a standing ovation.
Benefits of External Prostate Massage: The G-Rated Version
Let’s get serious for a second. Because prostate health is no joke, even if I treat it like a stand-up routine.
Here’s what a little externally-applied TLC to your prostate can potentially do:
1. Improve Urine Flow
If your pee stream is more dribble than firehose, your swollen prostate could be the problem. Regular external massage can help reduce swelling and improve the flow. Like clearing the kink out of a garden hose. Except it’s your urethra.
2. Reduce Prostate Inflammation (aka Prostatitis)
Chronic prostatitis feels like a gremlin is living in your pelvis. It’s painful, frustrating, and a real mood killer. External massage stimulates blood flow, which helps clear out inflammatory gunk. It’s like spring cleaning for your prostate.
3. Boost Circulation
Good blood flow = happy prostate. Think of it as cardio for your crotch. Not only does it help with healing, it also keeps things operating smoothly, like oiling the gears of your favorite ahem machine.
4. Support Sexual Function
Not to get all Barry White on you, but stimulating the perineum can also rev up your sex drive and make your orgasms feel like a Cirque du Soleil finale. External massage can activate nerve endings that connect to your prostate and pelvic floor muscles—aka the guys in charge of the fireworks show.
How to Perform an External Prostate Massage
Okay, so now you’re intrigued. Or at least no longer terrified. Good. Let’s walk through the steps like we’re prepping a Thanksgiving turkey—except this time, you’re the turkey, and there’s zero basting.
Step 1: Set the Mood
No, seriously. You don’t have to light candles or play Kenny G (unless you’re into that), but relaxation is key. A hot shower or warm compress over the perineum can soften the tissues and help you ease into the process. Bonus points for bathrobes.
Step 2: Find the Sweet Spot
Locate the perineum—the skin-covered strip between your scrotum and your anus. It’s like the DMZ of your body. Use your fingers (or a soft massage tool, if you’re feeling fancy) to apply gentle, steady pressure.
Step 3: Massage Gently
This isn’t a wrestling match. Use circular motions or short back-and-forth movements with your fingers. Think “zen garden,” not “jackhammer.” You’re trying to coax the prostate into blissful cooperation, not beat it into submission.
Step 4: Pay Attention
You might feel a sense of release, relaxation, or even a warm, buzzing sensation. That’s good! You’re not summoning spirits; that’s just the blood flow kicking in.
Do this for about 5–10 minutes a few times a week. Or more often if your prostate responds with enthusiastic applause.
What Tools Can You Use for a prostate massage?
Yes, there are tools. And no, they don’t all look like props from a sci-fi movie.
You can find perineal massagers shaped like smooth pebbles or curved paddles—designed to fit perfectly against that magic zone. Some even vibrate. Fancy.
Make sure whatever you use is soft, body-safe, and not designed to remove grout. Also: clean it. Every time. No exceptions. Your prostate deserves hygiene, not a bacterial rave.
When Should You Not Do a Prostate Massage? Asking for a Friend.
Okay, this part’s important.
Don’t try external prostate massage if you:
- Have active infections down there
- Are recovering from surgery
- Have hemorrhoids that scream when touched
- Aren’t sure what the heck is going on with your symptoms
In these cases, talk to your doctor. Yes, I know—no one wants to discuss taints with a man in a lab coat. But that’s what they’re there for. They’ve heard worse. They’ve seen worse. They probably have stories.
Can a Prostate Massage replace Medical Treatment?
Oh, sweet summer child. No.
External prostate massage is not a cure. It’s not a miracle. It’s a tool. A very gentle, slightly sensual wrench in your toolbox of health. It can support medical treatment, but it doesn’t replace it.
If you’re having symptoms like frequent urination, pelvic pain, or the sensation that your bladder is playing hard to get—see a doctor. Think of the massage as the avocado on the sandwich. It’s lovely. But it’s not the main meal.
Let’s Bust Some Myths While We’re At It
❌ “Massaging the perineum is weird.”
Yeah? So is plucking your eyebrows, but I bet you’ve done it. There’s nothing “weird” about taking care of your body. Especially a part that literally controls whether or not you pee like a man or a malfunctioning fountain.
❌ “It’s going to hurt.”
Only if you’re using a sledgehammer. Done gently, this should feel good—relieving, soothing, maybe even a little euphoric. Pain means stop. Or at least rethink your technique.
❌ “Only guys over 50 need to worry about this.”
Nope. Prostate issues can start in your 30s, especially if you sit all day, eat garbage, or treat your body like an amusement park. Early prevention = long-term comfort. Trust me.
Prostate massage Bottom Line: Give the Underdog Some Love
Look, the prostate gets a bad rap. It’s ignored until it starts causing problems, and then it’s treated like the villain in a bad action movie.
But it’s not the bad guy. It’s just misunderstood. And it’s trying, dammit.
External prostate massage is one of those rare things in life that’s good for you and actually feels kinda great. Like stretching. Or eating blueberries. Or finally figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
So whether you’re doing it solo, with a partner, or under the guidance of a very chill urologist—consider giving this unsung hero of the human body a little love.
Your prostate called. It says thank you.
Best
Al
Want to add to the conversation? Leave a comment below!